Love is…

irene

Dear reader!

Not a travel story this time. My last entry here was 1.5 years ago and I want to tell what happened to me during that time. It was the best and the worst time in my life at the same time and I want to tell you about it. Still I have some nice pictures of another trip to Lapland around a year ago. In may 2016 I crashed with my paraglider when landing. I fell down around 20 meters and my ass hit the road. I was taken to hospital by helicopter and a broken right elbow, pelvis and two vertebras. Fortunately it sounds a little worse than it was. I spent around 6 weeks in hospital and was able to walk out then going directly to a rehab where I learned to properly walk again. Still I was not able to piss and ejaculate because of the injuries in my spine.

But when I left rehab I felt like one of the happiest humans alive – I had a tube in my penis but an angel by my side. I met here via tinder and we fell in love just a little before I left rehab and moved directly to her home. I was falling into a deep depression at that time and even though she has three children she did everything for me to make me get better. Soon the tube was removed and put directly into my bladder through the belly so I got the possibility at least to train pissing again.

My depression was growing and Irene was doing all she could have done to support me even though I kept asking myself how she could love a broken man like me. We went to Lapland then and enjoyed the country and the beautiful surroundings a lot but my depression, I, started to cause bad problems for us. I loved her like nobody before in my life and still do but I kept asking myself how she could possibly love me and became afraid to lose her so much that the trip became emotionally horror for both of us. The depressions became worse and I still didn’t realize it at all – I just got so freaked out in my fear of losing her that we actually kind of broke up for the first time in January a little after the tube from my belly had been removed.

I moved to the house of the father of a friend who had died just a little before and fell deeper into my depression hardly going out at all and giving most of the responsibility for it to Irene being blind for what really was happening. Our love was strong and so she came to visit me every now and then and we grew together again – still I treated her like shit sometimes and there is no excuse for that thinking about what she had done for me. I started flying again and had the feeling to get better but karma is a bitch and I crashed again 366 days after my first crash – again hospital and all the story started over again even though the injuries were not as bad as the had been the first time.

I kind of started realizing some of my problems then and tried my best to fix our relationship which was successful for a short time after I was released from hospital in July. Still I was not aware of my depression and soon I ran away again because of peanuts. She was shocked but still we tried our best at that time – which was not much from my side because fuckin depressions made me do bullshit all the time and we really broke up at the time when I started a therapy to handle myself my sadness, my worries and my fear.

Now she seems to be gone forever while I start to realize that she had been the angle who had saved my life twice while I had not been able to show any kind of gratitude being lost in in pain and sadness. I am getting better now slowly slowly doing a weekly therapy for my psychic problems realizing that I had been idiot enough to accidently blame here for a lot of my own problems and treated her very bad without realizing it. Here love was unconditional and I was to blind and focused on my own pain to realize it. I will always love her and I will always feel sorry for what I did to her.

I want to end this last blog entry probably for a long time with the lyrics of a song I have heard the last time in my youth which seems so fitting now and I still know by heart:

And someone saved my life tonight sugar bear
You almost had your hooks in me didn’t you dear
You nearly had me roped and tied
Altar-bound, hypnotized
Sweet freedom whispered in my ear
You’re a butterfly
And butterflies are free to fly
Fly away, high away bye bye

I was crazy lately to let her fly away and not give her the honey she had deserved – life is crazy and so am I – unfortunately, sadly….